Some times it's really hard for me to remember the three months after Adam and I broke up. I want to make something perfectly clear, I was glad when things ended between us, I was never happier, I tried cutting things off so many times, and when it finally happened, I realized that I could finally figure out what I was really meant to do with my life. I think of the things I could have done. Gone to a four year school, concentrated on my grades, I could have followed up on my fast pitch scholarship. The guilt of knowing all of that was horrible. And then as soon as everything was over, I had to deal with being alone for the first time in three years. I reconnected with my family. As far as that went, everything was great. I got to know my sister on a whole new level, and now she is my best friend. The same goes with my mother. But there are things that a lot of people don't know I went through. I suppose it's better, but i've never been able to talk about it with anyone. I'm not sure if I ever will. The people I got to know during that time, know a completely different person. I drank for the first time. Who gives a shit? I'm a person just like anyone else who tried something new. It was sort of a "fuck you" to Adam, who I hear isn't even straightedge anymore. I don't know whats more pathetic, the fact that I feel guilty everyday for doing something every body does, or the fact that I did it for all the wrong reasons, and those few times gave all of the people who think badly of me, a reason to think that way. I was hanging out with a bad group of people, who I don't talk to anymore. They all wanted me for the wrong reasons. It made me feel used and useless. I fell out of the image that I always thought I had to amount to.
The fact that I have followed this image for so long just pushed me off of the edge. I drank. So when I stopped, I felt disgusting. Should I? I let something so little rule my life because that's what he wanted. And the moment I decided to try it and see what the fuss was all about, I felt like I had lost myself. I felt like a bad person. All at once, it was like an army of people came at me. My friends, my enemies, Davids ex-girlfriend who is neither. It all just made me angry because they didn't know me. My solution? For the most part, I let it all go. (For the most part). I'm not defending myself to anyone. No one got my side of the story, especially Adam's family because they didn't trust me. So they didn't deserve it. I could just imagine what they think about me. The wild ideas Adam gave them. I don't care.
I wonder if this will ever go away. The guilt. Maybe it wouldn't even be there if I had never sworn off drinking. I would just be another girl who occasionally had fun in high school. And then that stupid phase I went through would have gone un-noticed. The fights with David would have never happened, because he would have known what he signed up for. Will I ever be able to let go of all this un-needed shit.
Will I ever meet someone who lets me be who I am, and excepts every inch of me.
No, because that's not the way life works.
No comments:
Post a Comment